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Why do I do this to myself? I know I'm only gonna suffer for it the next day *L*

Went out with friends last night. It's PRIDE weekend here in Cloudy town. I spent most of the day yesterday volunteering for Pride in the Park, where we the Pride Celebration up with PFLAG, and SCSU LGBT groups to all present an Anti-Bullying message. It was great, the weather was perfect, lots of great people and entertainment and booths and OMG DOGGIES everywhere!!! The local Humane Society sponsored the kids area (and they did an awesome job). They also had a couple Rescue Sites there with dogs to adopt, as well. Everything from this HUGE St. Benard to a little baby pit bull - I PET ALL THE DOGS!!! Was kind of the status of everyone there. =)

I got to be a team lead, and learned very quickly that next year I will suggest some kind of basic radio training - that was a bit of a mess *L*

I helped people find stuff, handed out Programs, info, told them about the rest of the stuff going on this weekend and about the groups putting everything on.. And basically smile and welcome them and keep an eye on making sure everyone was happy and family friendly - which was important to us for the show in the park.

Last night, however, was the big Drag Show - 21+ - Went with two of our best friends, laughed so much my stomach hurts today, caught up on things, drank too much (which my body doesn not like, so I don't do it often - today I am cold, very achey, and I could stick my head under Niagra Falls and still be thirsty. And that's really only after 5 drinks over a period of 6 hours, Vodka Sours or Screwdrivers with LOTS of ice. My body just does not handle it like it used to. I think back to before I had Rhi and when I was following bands all over the state or helping a friend with his DJ business or when I was a club kid - out working/partying til the bars closed, then after parties somewhere, get home around 7 am and sleep til 2 or 3, get up, shower, go have coffee and some food and then get ready to go out again. This was usually 3 or 4 nights a week, AND weekends, and there were times I'd have a regular job on top of it or be doing Theater shows.

I think I'd die if I tried that now *LOL*

It was good to catch up with these friends, though. We don't get to do this with them or spend a lot of time with them nearly enough. He's an OTR Truck driver and she works full time, mid day til night. Soon though, she'll be free for a bit, since she'd getting laid off - but it's good because she's going back to school and she's going to make a kick ass nurse.

And we got swap stories about the friends we've both cut out of our lives lately, it's the same ones, and basically for the same reasons. They were great friends to have, when they needed something from you or could get ahead because of you. We're all tired of it and are just done with it.

I'm getting over it, but it still hurts. We had YEARS of being there, taking care of each others kids as the grew up together, being there when someone was sick and just needed someone to sit with them at a Doc, we talked every day, had coffee, and it feels now like none of it meant to them what it had meant to me. They were having a hard time, I helped them out, talked them up and got them into a great seasonl job that led to a full time one for one of them. With a great family with a growing business. But I guess that wasn't enough because that's when I started getting pushed out, not being given messages, or finding that what I supposed to be working on was suddenly done (and I'm sorry, but in a half assed way no less), I didn't even get paid for the last two years I worked there because it seems my hours never got turned in.

I know if I said something to the owner, that would be taken care of immediately, but it's not that big of a deal, really - maybe a couple hundred dollars, which in reality she'd be paying twice because I'm sure I know where the money actually went.

I could have said something, I could have pitched a fit or called them out, but honestly I just was too hurt to be bothered. And then I had family stuff come up that was way more important. So I let it go and just cut ties.

But Karma has been watching, and it seems keeping score, because now I'm hearing that shit it hitting the fan. The owner's been asking where I am, why haven't I come back, why haven't I called her. And when the one tried to spew something to cover themselves she seems to have forgotten my mom was standing right there and now it's all coming out.

SO I guess we'll see what happens. I am going to continue to do nothing, and let it run itself out. BEcause I do believe that what you put out is what you get back. And I'm sorry they've hit hard times again, and I'm sorry if when everything is known it affects their jobs in some way, and I feel bad they seem to stayin the cycle of shit...but you bring things on yourself and if you're going to keep using people like that and only be fair weather friends, then you're going to get what's coming full circle to you. And I'm sorry, maybe one day they'll learn and stop doing it. Maybe they'll realize that there are some people who bent over backwards for them, did everything they could possibly do for them, anytime they could and expected nothing but an honest and loyal friendship in return. Maybe then they'll stop stabbing people in the back for what basically adds up to greed. I can't see how greed is worth the cost of (from what I know) at least 4 really good friendships, maybe more?

So theres's my hungover rant...and now I have to go help my daughter and her friend pick out homecoming dresses...Thank Goddess I have 3 rubbermaid bins of vinatage formals to choose from. I knew I was hanging on to them for some reason. =) This years theme is "The Great Gatsby". Could be worse, I guess. I'm gonna need some more bling, though. A perfect excuse for an SR Harris trip *L*

So yeah, today sucked...but

it's done, it's over with, onto new things.

We're doing the tango on the house. Made and offer, had the inspection, now it's back and forth on the tree damage from storms that was never taken care of and on getting certification that an old oil tank was properly taken care of and is not still sitting there leaking into the ground.

But it's moving, and if all goes well we'll get the keys on the 15th of October. Just in time for one of my best friends I ever had (and the best roommate I ever had) to be coming for a visit with his wife and daughter. They're moving back up here from Texas in the spring, and are coming to take a look an touch base before then. I'm hoping I can offer up room to throw down blow up mattresses or something and save them a few days of hotel bills.

So much going on and feeling overwhelmed, and it's only going to get worse. And today one of the cars decided to not steer and throw a tantrum. So I had to drive down to Eagan and pick up James and we'll have to rent one (yay$$$) for him to get to work while this one gets towed back (yay$$$) and fixed (yay$$$) AGAIN (yay$$$).

I keep buying lottery tickets and it's not working. I don't need the jackpot, I'd be happy with 10 grand, maybe 15. That would get him a better car, pay a chunk of Rhi's tuition and take care of some bills we've been paying off from when he was on unemployment. We've avoided bankruptcy so far (and are even paying off old stuff, mostly medical) and are doing ok, but I wouldn't turn down a little extra - who would? *LOL*

But we're doing okay. I wish he could see that. He's one of those that's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've tried to explain to him that shoes and I are on good terms, and if anything drops it'll be designer and that's all good. ;) He just doesn't get it. It's almost a scheduled reminder now that I tell him to think back to what we had (started with NOTHING, a chair, a bw tv, not even a bed - blankets on the floor and shared a pillow). And little by little over the past 16 years we've crawled ahead, even when things were bad like when I was sick and in and out of the hospital or when he'd get laid off. We've kept going and kept it together when a lot of other people had given up. He just needs reminding, that's all.

Sometimes I do, too.

So today kinda sucked, and the car was just the topping on the potato, but we'll keep going. I'm hoping good news by the end of the week on the house. Rhi has auditions for "Blythe Spirit" this week, I love Noel Coward. She's decided (and I know it could change) that she wants to study the classics and classic theater, as in Shakespere and the like...still in London. So far away. But, if that's what she wants to study there is no better place, no better teachers or mentors than where it all began. How could I ever tell her no? Or even cast any kind of shadow or doubt?

I'm 41 and just now starting to live my life how I want and work on MY dreams. Coming from knowing what its like to be told "you'll never" or "you can't" - I could never do that to her. I'll be damned if I let her struggle for half her life fighting with herself to find some kind of self worth when I can give it to her from day one. She's amazing, she wonderous, and she can do anything she wants. And I will tell her that every single day.

I'm just so very grateful that she'll be able to. Because of my Dad's partner, Bud, who passed last year, and his careful planning - she'll be able to go to school where ever she wants and for what ever she wants and the money will be there. We never even knew he'd planned for that. To us, he loved my Dad and made him happy. He welcomed us and treated us like family when we'd visit. He was an amazing man, and he's taking care of my baby's education now. I wish I could have told him thank you. But I think he knows and I hope he watches over her and can enjoy what she'll become.

So, tomorrow - get up, get kid to the bus, take husband to the car rental guy and hope he has something cheap, wait to hear on other van, go to Doc (PLEASE figure this BS out, it's driving me crazy and I'd like to not feel like shit in time for Crypticon), wait for more word on the house and if I'm really lucky - decide on a sketch for the Zombie prom dress and start work on it. And somewhere in there do some laundry or everyone's gonna be naked by Wednesday.

Love to all!!!

Still here

No, I haven't fallen off the Earth.
The Doctor didn't show up with his blue box asking for assistance only I could give.
I'm not hiding Sherlock until it's all clear, or nursing Crowley back to health.
And Loki hasn't shown up either....

I've just kind of...gone into hiding I guess. I do that sometimes. I appreciate the notes and emails asking if things are okay, and for the most part they are. Just kind of having some self imposed hermit time while I get my head together. Mucking out the stalls, as it were.

This past year has been life altering to say the least. It's made me take a serious look at things and what in my life is toxic and holding me back. A big part of that was who was toxic as well, and I have since cut ties with some people who I once thought of as dearest friends. It was hard to look at the relationship without blinders or excuses and see how it really was. But the difference since, as hard as it has been, has been amazing. I had to learn it was okay to mourn the friendship, but not feel guilty for protecting myself. Harder to do than it sounds.

We've had health issues, teenager issues (like lack of 48 hours in a day and being stuck with 24 and no time turner), family issues, and a lot of hurry up and wait due to Illinois getting around to accepting same sex marriage a bit late. My Stepdad died over a year ago, my Dad is STILL not done dealing with the will and all that. Which makes it hard for him to move ahead and get through the mourning and grief. Hopefully soon, a month more, maybe two, and he can.

Because part of the plan is him moving up here with us, we also sit in limbo, while the house we all fell in love with sits and waits (and we pray every day that no one comes along and snags it before we can). This house is amazing, we all fell in love with it as soon as we saw it. We've all said we can see this being the forever house, imagining holidays there and family get togethers. Getting snowed in and all holing up in the living room with the huge fire place (I'm talking half the wall) on one side and the floor to ceiling windows looking over the river on the other. Sitting out on the deck in the summer just watching the river, or storms. Big family meals in the kitchen. It's a place we all felt like it was "home".

So we wait.

Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how to start a business when I don't even have a clue what to charge for my creations. My baby is going into 10th grade and will be heading to London in 174 days to have an amazing adventure while I lose my mind for 10 days til she comes back. Husband is having weird medical issues that we can't figure out and it's stressing him huge. And I'm stressing to the point I gained back about 15 of the 60 lbs I'd lost.

But I've hit the restart button and found this adorable pic that I'm going to hang up to remind myself to keep going -

I'm seriously addicted to Tom Hiddleson lately. Not sure why, but he's like coffee to me - MUST HAVE daily dose or there's blood and destruction everywhere in my path ;)

ANyway - I'm still alive, but still in quiet mode for now. Just sifting through the days and making changes where I seem to need to. It's wonderful, but exhausting.

Love to all -

Brit Con!!!

This weekend - St. Louis Park, MN. Got tickets as a birthday/end of school surprise for the kid so we will be down there on Friday. Who else is going? Trying to throw together last minute cosplay stuff to bring. Saturday will be jammies, robes and towels for "Towel Day" =) Couldn't ask for a more comfy con costume.

Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow night, I'd like the extra time to get things together. Either way, looking forward to a fun time away with my girl. Trying not to think about how I only have about 3 years left before she flys the nest on me. She's already going to London for a school trip in February, so she's calling this "Practice" *LOL*

If you're going, let me know! Would love to meet up. Also, we'll be at Convergence in Bloomington as always in July. We'll actually be down for most of the week for volunteer work before the Con opens, too. Again, would love to meet up. I know some of us kept missing each other last year.

Looking forward to it!!

Grrr...I miss you cupcake!

Excellent time last night at my most dearest friend's surprise engagement party. Now I don't have to keep my mouth shut anymore! YAY! The next couple months are gonna go fast now.

It was a good break, and the getting ready for the wedding will be a good distraction, too. I've had my plans thrown into the wind, and now I'm having doubts and longings. I've been looking at houses for my Dad. We're kicking around the idea of finding something big enough for all of us, or with an attached apt for him. Then he could keep a condo where he is now and yet have a place to stay here closer to family whenever he wants. Maybe stay here a few months, there a few, however he wanted.

I like this idea. We'd see him more often and we'd be able to keep an eye on him. I worry a lot about him being alone now, he falls too often and he doesn't eat, he needs someone to just be there. Like he said, it's not a matter of being with someone 24 hrs a day, it's just knowing that someone else it there in the house somewhere. We're all very private people, we like our own space, but also like to sit down to dinner and maybe watch a movie or just chat. I would love to be able to start my days like I do when we're there. Get up, make coffee and spend an hour chatting with my Dad over coffee and laughing at the Stephanie Miller show. I like knowing that he eats when I cook. When we were there a couple weeks ago I make a turkey and before everyone else had even sat down he'd eaten his and was wanting more. He'll eat if someone's there to enjoy it with. He's so alone. 30 years of living with the love of your life and then losing them suddenly, he doesn't know how to be alone anymore.

So I found this house. And I have fallen in absolute LOVE with it. It's amazing. Everytime I look at the pictures of it or the ones I took when we went to see it I can see all of us there. I can see making meals in that kitchen while Rhi does her homework at the table and gets help from my Dad. I can see sitting out on the deck having coffee looking over the river. I can see having friends over to watch the fireworks that they shoot off cross the river in the park. The one end is an entire master suite that my Dad could have all to himself. Large bedroom and a den off that, one side both floor to ceiling glass doors looking over the river. A bathroom, 3 closets. All in it's own little wing. There's room for James to have a nice office and me a craft room/sewing studio with WINDOWS. A nice big room for Rhi again. There's a park next door for the dogs and enough room to fence off a bit of yard for them, too. There's windows everywhere, the side facing the river are all floor to ceiling, too. Room for a garden, a neat kind of boxed area in the kitchen for an small indoor one. And I have never seen so many closets and storage in my life, and all usefully done, no wasted space.

I love this house. I could see living there the rest of my life. I can see it very easily. But it's here. It's not in the cities, or closer to James' job. That was the plan. Let Rhi finish HS and then when she goes off to college, we move closer to the cities. Where our friends are. Where there's things to do. But then part of tells myself, it's also more expensive. We'd never find a place like this there for what this is going for. It's in town, yet the way it's situated it's like it's not, you can't even see it from the street. And it's really not that far to go down to the cities, we just did it last night. And if need be we have friends we can stay with there, too, anytime.

I need to do some hard thinking. If we did move down there, I'd have to quit my job. And while it pisses me off sometimes, I do love it. I'm starting to make some connections here, finding new friends that are supportive and finding my path again. I don't know if I want to leave that either, it's too hard to find. I've got my volunteer groups and while I know I could do the same thing in the cities, they're smaller groups here. The PRIDE group, we're really doing things and getting bigger every year, I want to grow with that. I want to be there when we are finally big enough to have our own parade here for the first time.

When I was dealing with all the back stabbing, manipulative BS all I could think of was moving away from here. But now, with the changes I've made, I think I could still be happy here. I've got things to look forward to again. I've got new friends and support growing with them. They're encouraging and want to do new things and try things and do more than sit in a bar or basement doing the same shit over and over.

But I want out of here, that hasn't changed. I hate renting. I hate having that feeling that someone else can walk in here anytime they want, that I have to ask to paint something or change something. Don't get me wrong, we have a great land lady and our side of the duplex is amazing for what we're paying! It's great. But it's not ours. And there's always someone else on the other side of the wall. And there's no yard for my Bou to run in. And I'm stuck in a basement again for a studio. Granted, it's bigger, but there's no light, I can't see shit and the stupid heating vent is right over my head - it's like sewing in a sauna. I want light, closets, AIR, windows to open.

I want that house. I want my Dad with it. I want to be able to spend his final years with him, and I can see that in this house. It's very "him", the design of it and the way it's laid out. None of this cookie cutter crap that looks like it rolled off a line somewhere.

So yeah, lots to think about. And in the meantime get him well enough to even just get up here and look at it, too.
My mom calls at 6 am, back in the Er and being admitted. This is an ongoing thing. If she'd keep her ass at home and rest maybe she wouldn't be having so many issues. She supposed to have surgery on the 20th, so you think she'd rest up. Nope, she's taking off to Florida on Monday. Everytime she takes off on one of her trips lately she winds up in a hospital where ever she is or straight to one when she comes back home. The last time I went to pick her up at the airport the ambulance the plane had called was about 3 minutes behind me.

I am so sick of this shit. I don't want to have to tell my daughter that Grandma's sick and possibly dying, but she's somewhere we either can't get to or never will get to in time.

Then, my dearest friend ever, pretty much my sister was supposed to come for the weekend. She called yesterday and told me that she and her long time love were getting married. They've been through hell and back together and are so much in love, we were very happy for the news. So this weekend was going to turn into planning and all of that for us and probably hours long chess matches for the boys. Just a good weekend, something we all needed.

She called this afternoon, her finance's mom had a heart attack this afternoon and passed away. He had just told her this morning about the wedding.

I didn't know her very well, but from the few times I'd met her she was a fun and loving woman. She even made me a purse before she'd even met me. I'm not sure when the funeral is yet, this coming week I figure, but I will be making the trek down for it.

Let's add some petty problems on the pile -

Tabs still haven't shown up from out of state for the van. I'm a month over now and praying I don't get pulled over.

My boss scheduled me for Sunday, even though I requested it off LOOOONG ago. And everyone else it taking off for spring break so my hours have gone up huge. Not a big deal normally, but I also have the costumes to finish and make-up classes to give and with Ma in and out of the hospital, me being sick with the never ending crud and all the extra hours at work I'm so far behind I feel like I've gone full circle. I can't even concentrate when I DO have time.

Tonight, I'm opening a bottle of something and saying screw it all.

Then I'll start over tomorrow.

I saw a thing today that said "God never gives us what we can't handle. God must think I'm a badass."

At this point, I think whoever is up there thinks I'm the surviving cast member in a Tarantino film. And I didn't even get to feel up Danny Trejo's muscles out of the deal. That sucks.

Taking a flying leap

I've had this thing rolling in my head, an idea for some things I want to make and sell. At first, it was just some stuff to put in the gift shop in the front of the art studio I already work in PT. But since the beginning of the year, I keep getting these little "pushes" out of nowhere that's telling me to take it further. A friend that I have do my cards came back all over it, friends have been asking, my Dad's psychic (she's a wonderful woman, not a Ms. Cleo type) out of the blue told him to tell me I need to stop holding myself back, to run with it - and she doesn't even know what I do.

So, darling husband is reserching domain names for me and the one I want is there and open. Hopefully his check will drop tomorrow and we can register it. From there, I'm not sure which direction to go. I don't want to do ebay or etsy, there's got to be other places online to sell stuff. I don't know how to build my own website and I can't hire someone to right now. My husband has tried to do it for me, and he has the knowledge, but it's not his thing and honestly, he's too picky. *LOL* OCD Webdesign would be his name. What he has tried to do for me has taken way too long cause he looks at it from a developement side, where I want it to look good and just work. Like he's said, he makes it work, he doesn't do pretty.

I swear we're two halves of the same brain.

So I need something I can do myself, but simple. I don't know html, I tried, we don't work well together. Actually I think the last time I tried it flipped me off and took my coffee as it walked away. Bitch.

I don't want to use GoDaddy. My boss uses it and it's okay, but I can't invest in something like that right now. There's got to be free or relatively cheap drag and drop sites out there. Something where I don't have to use paypal would be wonderful (again, took my coffee through ebay).

I know artsy people that do this. Help? Suggestions?

I don't want to say too much about what I'll be selling, but it's accessories and art of sorts. Nothing really fanbased, maybe "inspired by" kind of thing once in awhile. It's kind of a mash of stuff, but it'll work, especially with the name I've picked out.

I wanna "run" like everyone's been telling me, but I can't seem to get out of the gate.

Getting it back? Taking it back?

I suppose both fit.

Last night I went to my first dance class in I can't remember how many years. Bellydance, to less vague. It's a new teacher in town, she's been teaching private classes for a bit, but decided to try doing a group now that she found a good space to do it in. She has lots of plans for further classes, too. And Halfa's. Which is everything I've been looking for, so I hope it all works out for her.

I've missed dancing so much. I've always loved it. There wasn't really any dance classes where I grew up, so it was live bands and dance around my room kind of thing. When I moved out and found clubs to go to, off I went. Then, when I met my dear friend Sebastion, we were out Tuesday through Saturday. We'd get to the clubs about 8 and dance til 2, then I'd drop him at work (he baked for a local cafe) and go back to his place and catch some sleep. Then I'd go back, pick him up, bring him home and either get more sleep or drive back home (an hour away) and go to work. As soon as I was done with work, it was back to his place to get ready to go out.

It was like that for a good 3 years. Then I met someone and I lost all that. I finally got rid of him and found someone amazing. But even with all his encouragement and love and patience, it's been years.

So last night was a big thing for me and I am feeling it today - OW!!! - but it's worth it. I wish I had class every night. This one is only $10 a class, I think I may jump in and get a couple of one on one classes as well, to help get back into things. She only charges $35 an hour, she's very reasonable.

This summer, I'm hoping to do the beginner's class over with my daughter, I think she'll love it and it'll be something for us to do together, too.

Huge step here, I'm glad I made it.

Jan. 31st, 2013

Thought I was getting better, and today could barely get off the couch. The house is a mess, husband is sick, too. I need to get shopping done, child blew out abother backpack and needs a birthday present for a party on Saturday. I want to eat something, but when I'm sick I never can tell what's going to throw my blood sugar off and I don't want to feel worse.

I'm a horrible sick person. I get cranky and whiney and pissy and all the other nasty dwarfs. Currently overloading on green tea, honey, crushed ginger and lemon. Tomorrow I will go over to the Indian place and get curry. I will BURN the germs out of me if I have to.

I have to be better bu Sunday, preferably Saturday. But I have plans for Sunday to run away and meet up with people and go to SR Harris and lose myself in that fabric wonderland and spend more than I should and refuse to feel guilty about it. And then we'll probably get coffee and hit JoAnn's, too.

Oh, and the Community Ed office called. There weren't enough people signed up for the bellydancing class I registered for back in November so they're canceling. And that really sucks because I was looking forward to it all this time. I emailed the woman teaching it and asked if there were other options or classes coming up. Still waiting to hear back. I have videos, but I miss being in a class with other people. I miss that part of my life and I want it back.
I admit it, I don't like Christmas, or the Holidays. Pretty much everything after Halloweeon til spring can blow and I woudn't mind. Except Mardi Gras, I have the feeling I would love that givne the chance.

But really, I haven't liked the holidays since my Gram passed. There's no meaning to it anymore and it's become one huge pain in the ass.

If it weren't for being married and having a kid of my own, I'd do the same thing I did before they came along - skip it all together.

It's stressful, annoying, far too expensive and full of people saying one thing and then doing another. Being false in the sake of "Holiday spirit".

I do like our little family Yule. A nice dinner at home, a few well thought out gifts and usually watching a movie. It's nice, quiet, meaningful and not stressed.

Today we go to my mom's for gifts that will sit there most likely (There's still stuff from last year I never bothered to do something with), gifts no one could really afford (I know we're screwed til next payday), a bunch of wrapping paper that she never puts in the recycling, food I shouldn't be eating (If I didn't bring the veggie tray anything that grows naturally would not be represented). I don't want to go. I'd rather stay home and relax.

I didn't sleep last night, I already have a headache and I still have to throw together one more lasagna to bring with cause "since I was making some" she volunteered me to make one for someone else, too. So much for the spare I was going to freeze.

This is my yearly holiday bitch. I do it every year. But I do it in private for the most part because I don't want to ruin things for my husband and daughter, or any other family, I suppose.

But really - I can't stand Christmas. And I will be so happy when all this BS is done for another year.

I honestly think a perfect Christmas for me would be to skip the presents, decorations, extra food and all that, and put the money towards a cabin in the middle of frickin' no where. Just quiet, some games, books, decent food and my family. Hiding away for about a week before the holiday til a week after New Years. Just hide and wait for it all to blow over.